insomnia

Go Big or Go Bust: On believing that you're good enough (part 2)

in

As you may know, I’ve been feeling over-the-top anxious about my next step in this adventure of ‘going big or going bust’: pitching the pilot is on my list just above ‘having fingernails pulled off’. But because it's under the surface. I'm not usually conscious of feeling anxious. I'm taking actions! And you (wonderful people) are giving me all kinds of support and encouragement ... so I have some new tools!

Naturally it came as a surprise to wake like a shot at 3 AM the other night,  and then to toss and turn for a full hour and a half.

But, lucky me, I had what might turn out to be a life-changing revelation.

I’d tried all my tricks to get back to sleep, the breathing, the hypnotherapy, the hot milk and honey. Lowering my expectations to simply ‘stay warm’, I huddled in the fetal position in the 40º room (window open, the way I like it) covers pulled over my head. Sixty minutes passed, seventy, ninety, BOOM.

It came out of nowhere: the image of a jacket made out of plaster. MY jacket. The jacket I’ve unconsciously chosen to wear for my entire life. But one that is no longer serving me.

Imagine this four inches thick, made of plaster and with crumbly bits of plaster and gauze hanging off the edges.

Imagine this four inches thick, made of plaster and with crumbly bits of plaster and gauze hanging off the edges.

What was once maybe protecting me, feels like it’s become the problem. I think I’ve been wearing fear 24/7 in the form of a rigor-mortis-stiff, pretty much impenetrable jacket. Sure, it blocks the possibility of getting a knife in the back, but it also makes receiving and even 'feeling' next to impossible.  

Huddled there under the covers, I threw my shoulders back to break up the ‘plaster’ and wriggle out of the ‘jacket’. Yeah it’d leave my back completely unguarded and vulnerable to attack but I immediately felt more, and more free and more comfortable in my body. And that feeling continued the next day and into the following day and shows no sign of abating. (to be continued)

A hoop skirt from 'the good old days' when women WERE actually trapped by their clothes.

A hoop skirt from 'the good old days' when women WERE actually trapped by their clothes.

(Hey if you have any inclination to click the ‘Like’ button, PLEASE DO!)

 

Go Big or Go Bust: On believing that you're good enough (part 1)

in

I woke like a shot at 3 AM last night and, after an hour and a half of tossing and turning, had what might turn out to be a life-changing revelation.

Twelve hours earlier I’d met X, a dear friend of many years, in a café on the edge of the Village. X is a writer who’s pitched a lot and knocked some out of the park. I wanted to check with him to be sure that I have all the elements necessary to get out there and start pitching.

We laughed and talked and he pointed out some missing elements and then, midway through our coffee, X dropped his voice and leaned forward. “Anne, do you believe in the core of you that you’re good? Because if you don’t, I don’t want you to go out pitching. You’ve got to know that you’re good.” (something like that)

There were four 20-somethings sitting uncomfortably close to us, one on either side of each of us. Regardless of how absorbed they all looked in their own lives, I was not fooled. There was no way that I could come up with an answer to that question in that situation but I gave it a try and came back with a firm: “Yes. I do.” I even filled X in on some Louise Log-related justifications to back up my yes. And I was telling the truth.

But twelve hours later, in the cold darkness of my bedroom, I was not so sure. No matter how much I like my work or how many people tell me I’m ‘good’, I don’t totally believe it. And what’s more, I don’t have a clue about how to change this.  (to be continued Friday)

(Trying to keep the blogs to 250 words)

48 hours earlier - dealing with the same issue at TJ Maxx

48 hours earlier - dealing with the same issue at TJ Maxx

Go Big or Go Bust: Day 233 (on process, insomnia, extreme AC and the amazing Marie Forleo)

in

I’ve been out and about living the dream.  Tonight that meant riding the NYC subway system and I figured you’d want to see me navigating an MTA tunnel. 

Unfortunately, the cars of the trains are so overly air-conditioned that you need a sweater while you're traveling.  But, as the saying goes, what goes around, comes around and the hot air from these cars is vented onto the platforms. Waiting for the next train, I felt in danger of being poached standing up.  But I digress.

Tonight brings me to the fingernails-on-the-blackboard subject of ‘process’.  I’m so into results and finished products, I practically break out in a rash if someone wants to talk about ‘process’.  Trusted reader, why are you not surprised.

Anyway, this trying to take The Louise Log to the next level is nothing if not a process.  My usual way of wanting it all finished yesterday simply doesn’t work.  Yes it makes me hysterical.  Yes it throttles my anxiety up and off the charts.  Yes I’m up until 2AM tossing and turning and driving Mr. Green ‘cray cray’ (he would hate that expression and I’m taking a certain pleasure in using it).  The fact is, I’m a nervous wreck.  

And guess what comes across my computer screen?

The solution to all my problems!  

The ‘Crazy Simple Stress-Busting Tool You’re Not Using (Yet)’

If you’ve never met Marie Forleo, you’re in for a pleasant surprise.  Oh come on I’ll say it right out: Get ready to fall in love.  There's even a free download for those of you into stationery porn.  OH yeah. 

Go Big or Go Bust: Day 219 (on insomnia and dreams of success)

in

So the pendulum is swinging ... wildly.  I got very excited last night about what the future could hold.

(In case you've somehow missed out on 'the best t-shirt ever' (and can't read it here) it says "Anxious.  And tense.  The way I like it.  The Louise Log"

Unfortunately, worked up as I was experiencing this possible success, I couldn't fall asleep til 4:30 AM.  Not that I lie in bed yawning.  After an hour, I get up and read, file papers ... something.  I learned long ago that fighting insomnia is worse than insomnia. 

Mr. Green once remarked to someone that I make a great house guest.  "She doesn't need sheets or a pillow, or even a bed!  She just wanders around the house all night."  Well.  Not exactly.  Anyway tonight I'm turning in early.  G'night.

Go Big or Go Bust: Day 149 (on the little things that fill a day)

in

Last night I couldn't fall asleep and really really wanted to creep out to the barn for my knock-out drops (thirty or forty-five minutes of pickaxing the dirt floor).  Too scared that the escaped convicts might show up, I read until the wee hours. 

Today I wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer and somehow the precious hours just ran through my fingers. A trip to the two-table farmers market in the nearby town was followed by a stop to see the blackened shell of a neighbor's 18th c. farmhouse (chimney fire).  Other neighbors stopped over to talk about non-chemical bug repellents, I cut a great many weeds with a pair of kitchen scissors and did two loads of laundry. 

OH.  And I showed a rough partial version of the highlights reel to Mr. Green who thinks "it has a nice way about it".  (!!!)  I'm encouraged!